Regret
by zombierump
Summary: Matt didn't regret it. He didn't miss Wammy's House, nor did he miss being the third successor. Maybe if he was a lesser man, he would have craved that life again, regret leaving it behind, but he wasn't and he didn't. Oneshot, Slight Slash T for language


Matt didn't regret it. He didn't miss Wammy's House, nor did he miss being the third successor. Maybe if he was a lesser man, he would have craved that life again, regret leaving it behind, but he wasn't and he didn't. Except

_(He regret leaving Mello behind.)_

maybe the noise. Wammy's House had always been filled with sound whether it was children crying, Roger yelling,

_(He wanted to hear teeth snapping off bars of chocolate.)_

the excited chatter about L. But here, in this dingy apartment, there were only the sounds of Matt's own breathing, the occasional hiss of a lighter, and the loud roar of a passing car.

The noise wasn't the only thing that had faded. The colors had washed away; the light was gone. Everything in the apartment was dull, swamped in shadows that would never brighten. There was so much darkness

_(His eyes craved the sight of sunflower hair and piercing blue eyes.)_

that Matt often thought he would go insane. The cold kept with the shadows, occasionally leaving;_ maybe to keep the warmth a little cool company_, Matt sometimes mused.

He often didn't move from his spot on the sofa unless he had to piss or was hungry. It wasn't like he really wanted to eat because

_(He wanted to taste that razor sharp tongue, swallow that cutting wit.)_

his taste buds seemed to have gone on strike a long time ago. Matt knew what they wanted, knew what they craved, and he denied it.

Matt actually couldn't remember a day he hadn't woken up on the sofa and immediately reached out for another warm body. He couldn't remember a day he hadn't woken up with his pants tight and constricting. Oh, he knew what he dreamt about and he knew the longer he dreamt about it the more his body craved it. He denied it, wouldn't even bring himself to release with the dream still lingering in his mind, because

_(He wanted to feel that body aligned with his, drink in it's warmth.)_

if he allowed himself that, allowed himself the pleasure at the memory of a dream, he would know that this was reality. And Matt didn't think reality was really something he wanted to deal with.

So, he'd play with his lighter, smoke a cigarette, and go take a piss. He'd act like life was better than it was and wrinkle his nose when he realized he hadn't showered in three days or more, realized

_(He wanted to smell the musk wafting off of sun kissed skin, relish the tingling in his nostrils.)_

he was breaking his last record of not showering and realized he could probably rival the smell of a pile of shit.

Matt showered, Matt dressed, and Matt sat back on the sofa. He lit a cigarette and listened to the sounds of his own breathing, the passing of a car, and the scratching of a rat that had found its way around the trap he had set a night before. He watched the shadows play on the wall and shivered when the cold decided to embrace him. He stopped thinking, flicked the hamster wheel in his mind onto its side, closed the shop for the night.

Because if he didn't, he would start to remember. And that would put him right back where he started, right back to when he had first bought this apartment.

Missing an orphanage called Wammy's House, and being in the arms of a young blonde.

Missing a place where he had been third successor to L, and second priority to the blonde whirlwind that was Mello. Missing a place he once called home.

And regretting the decision he had made to break the binding ties.

xXxXxXx

_What's this? An angsty Matt and Mello fic? Oh joy! Ha. Yeah, I wrote this while in school--actually the last three senses I jsut added now--and was surprised at how depressing it sounded. So I continued it! :D _

_My flow got messed up because I just decided to continue this now when I started writing during CATS Testing. Heh, heh. Anyways, I based this on the five senses and the feeling of regret. It turned out nice, except for the broken flow._

_I'll tell you this. I will probably not write a happy Matt and Mello fic--_**Ordinary Day **_doesn't count--for the simple reason that I view Matt and Mello's relationship as a rocky and angst filled one. There are exactly two reasons I think this. One, they left each other. For several years they probably had nothing to do with each other, even though one was probably looking for the other. Two, Matt has always been second to Mello. Maybe even fourth because if you think about it, there's beating Near, L, and chocolate. That alone would stress a relationship. Coupling it with the fact that they left each other would stress the relationship even more. Their relationship is dark and strained. It isn't to say they don't like each other because, of course they do. They'd kill eac other--or at least Mello would kill Matt if he didn't like him. I think Matt would be apathetic. _

_D: Too much talking. Damn. I'm jabber-jaws this morning. I hope you enjoed the fic and will drop a review to tell me how it was. It's a one-shot, by the way!_


End file.
